It is one of those days that I question everything: attempting to mark assignments. Did I teach them enough? Attempting to pay bills. Did I plan well enough? Attempting to interact with my daughter. Am I doing this enough? Am I giving her enough time? Am I giving her enough life experiences? Attempting to get some house work done. Should I be spending this time on something so trivial? Attempting to have some time for myself. Do I deserve this? Shouldn’t I spend more time working? Attempting to find some time for friends. Shouldn’t I spend more time with my family and getting work done? Attempting to keep the family home. Shouldn’t I just give up, and be financially secure?
Where does doubt come from? Uncertainty about what we have done, and possibly the reasons we have done it. Guilt. Always guilt. Shutting the barn door after the horse it gone. It is my fault, I should have…
There are so many people I know in life who would bold face deny any responsibility. They would certainly find a reason for anyone else being responsible for a mistake or a miscalculation. Having been around younger people for a decade now I would certainly say it is the characteristic of being young, “It’s not my fault, you just didn’t…”
But as you age, hopefully one develops that sense of personal responsibility. It is clear that many don’t. How well do they manage in their private life? Do I care? Where does the balance lie? I guess it depends on the topic of conversation.
What about those of us who are willing to take responsibility? Maybe I have always taken more responsibility on than I need to? I know I do. I take on the weight of the world. Why? I’m not really sure. Possibly it comes out of thinking there is no one else to help. Maybe also it comes out of thinking that I shouldn’t bother anyone. I really don’t know.
I just know there are people who will delegate responsibility to almost anyone other than themselves, and then there are the people (few and far between) that will try to do too much.
As I get older I realize that you should ask for help, and leave behind those individuals have issues with responsibility. Possibly they know their own limitations, but evidently they are not willing to give you the time of day.
To be fair, I do know a few rare gift’s of people who would help if I asked, I’m not saying I don’t. I believe myself to be one of those individuals. Why are they so rare?
I heard a colleague say something on this topic last week- “do you know the problem with giving a damn? It makes so much work.” It’s the truth.
Off I go to attempt to mark authentically: to teach more meaningfully, to spend more quality time with my daughter, to keep the family home. I’ve cleaned the house. I’ve baked. I’ve blogged.